first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
