We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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