I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
