dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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