it wasn't lemon gatorade
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
