hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
This is my gift to your gina
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
