Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
