John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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