And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
