Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
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