u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
my god I love twenty year old dicks
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
