this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Randomize
