I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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