So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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