Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
