I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Randomize
