Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
