Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
