Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
