He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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