cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
