I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
