My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
