If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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