You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
