Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
