I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
