Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
