it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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