can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
