I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
