Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
