cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
