I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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