I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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