I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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