I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
