I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My life is pants optional.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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