You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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