The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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