My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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