tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I think your dad took our porno
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
