I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
