I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
