even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
she smelled like a LAN party
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Floor bacon is actually really good
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
