New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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