3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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