Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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