my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
