You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Randomize
