i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
