I puked a lego.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
