I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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