There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
