my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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