My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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