i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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