Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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