Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
