Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just want nice things and good sex
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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